When You Can't Help

  

 

Hey there,

In this day and age, when everyone is either depressed, anxious, confused, stressed, suicidal, self loathing, or has some other issue going on, youth are faced with trying to be peer-support systems. And it can be a good thing, for sure, but there's been so many times in my personal experience, as well as times I have observed with others, where it's like all I can do it make a situation worse.

Sometimes it's because I don't have the experience, sometimes it's because  I do, sometimes it's because I having something going on at the same moment, sometimes I over empathize, sometimes I don't empathize at all. Whatever the case may be, it seems like I make things worse when I try to help. 

I wish I could say I was writing this post to share with you all the things I did to overcome this, all the things I've figured out to work my way through any scenario, but sadly can't. 

All I have to offer to you is a very small list of things that I'm trying to implement in my own experiences. 

Try asking

It's not always going to work, but sometimes if you just ask "what can I do to help", "what do you need", and other such questions you'll find it much easier to help your friend. 

They probably won't always have an answer. Mine don't always, or even often. But it's worth a shot. 

Try distracting

Sometimes, if you can't help, distraction is the best route. Again, this is sometimes, not always. And instead of just jumping into distracting your friend, you can say something like "I'm not sure how to help, but I can try to distract you", and then spam them with memes, music, videos, in depth conversations that get their mind off of it, Bible verses, quotes, etc. 

Leave it be

As of just now, while I'm drafting this post, I was in a conversation with a friend who was really frustrated and nothing I attempted was helping. I was only frustrating them more as well as getting frustrated myself, and then I really wasn't helping. So, I left it with a basic take-care-of-yourself note. That's all I could do. I didn't ghost them afterwards or anything, I just didn't continue that conversation, because to do so would only make it worse for them.

Remember it isn't your job to fix it

The Bible tells us to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2), so don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying not to help your friends. But it isn't your job to fix whatever is going on. You can't fix it. So if your efforts aren't helping, it's okay. Your job is to be there for your friend, your job is not to make your friend better.

And I know how hard it can be to see your friends going through a hard time and wishing you could help, but not being able to as the situation around them gets worse and worse. It's a helpless, frustrating, discouraging, and sad feeling. It's also all of those things then a friend is just really down and you can't seem to help.

But whatever is is that's going on, it's not up to you to fix it or to make them feel better. Sometimes just letting your friend know that you're there for them, that you're listening and that you care, is enough.

And on a heavier note (because it feels wrong to leave this out): 

There's been friendships where one friend is suicidal and the other feels trapped in the friendship and they want to help but they can't and their suicidal friend takes their own life. Then the other friend blames themselves for it.

And friend, if you're blaming yourself for someone's suicide, telling yourself you could've done more, you should've done more, thinking about everything you could have said or done differently, thinking about how you didn't stop them or you didn't help them, it's time you came to the realization that your friend made a choice. 

Listen; this life is full of choices. And when your friend chooses to be bitter, chooses to be angry, chooses not to seek help, chooses to give up on something, or chooses to end their life, it's out of your hands. Only they can make that decision. It's their life, it's their mistake. As tragic and as awful as it is, it was their decision to make. You had no say in the matter. If you did, they wouldn't have done it. 

Please, friend, if you're carrying that weight, let go. It's been long enough.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A nice and heavy ending, amiright? I wish I had something lighter to close on. But, then again, sometimes you need to be left with something heavy. Maybe it's then, when we're left on a heavy thought, that we'll remember to let go of what's weighting us down. 

In general, be your friend's situation a horribly dark one or not, remember that not knowing how to help doesn't make you a bad friend. It's just a part of being human.

- EJ

(P.S. As always, you're more than welcome to give your thoughts down below. :) )